Search me, O God

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)

This is a frightful request to make. Yet I find myself making it more and more these days.

I read other Christians in the blogosphere speak of their brokenness, and I reflect upon my own. Though redeemed I contend, daily, with the condition of being human in a fallen world, in my fallen body. In his novel Out of the Silent Planet, C.S. Lewis tells of the interaction between Ransom, a man from Earth, and a race of creatures, the “Hrossa”, inhabiting another planet. It slowly becomes clear to Ransom that these creatures do not have a sin nature. As he learns their language he realizes that they don’t even have a word for “bad”. The closest servicable word they have is the word “bent”. I remember one point in the novel when Ransom, in speaking of the human race, shamefully confesses “We are very bent”.

I am very bent.

I am becoming more aware these days of what an enemy to good and rational thought my mind is. My mind tells me things that simply aren’t true. My mind rationalizes my motives, keeps me blind to my failings, invents failings for me to fret about that aren’t even real, misinterprets the motives of others, and constantly circles around the little god of self. My mind couldn’t identify a grievous way in me even if it wanted to. And, I can guarantee you it doesn’t.

I need another set of eyes looking at this problem. There is both a thrill and a great fear in asking the Father to examine my life. A thrill because I know he can and does know my heart far better than I do. If anyone can identify a grievous way in me, my Lord can. And he can lead me in the way everlasting!

But the fear comes from the vulnerability of being unmasked under the bright light of Truth. Of being “searched”. In my worst moments (which are all too frequent) I’d prefer not to spread ’em and get the divine pat-down. I’ve got too many secrets.

But Lord, I know I need it. Search me, try me, and know my thoughts. See if there is anything in me that grieves you. Cleanse me, heal me, and lead me. You only can I trust to do this.

2 thoughts on “Search me, O God

  1. there are great tools to help do this. In our discipleship program at our church, we go from resentments to the cause of the resentment to the part I have in it. The “part I have in it” we use the seven deadly sins. Example, I am mad at my boss. Why “he did x’. What part of me does this hurt. Finances. What part do I have in it. Well, I am indeed a little lazy and greedy. So sloth and greed is the thing in me.

    We do the same thing for all our resentments. and for fears.

    Total housecleaning and it transforms the mind. Extremely helpful.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *