There is no “morning bus ride” because of the pandemic, but I can still post (it has been awhile).
It was a hard week. Hard because I had a revelation this week and I’m still digesting it. On the bright side, I survived another round of layoffs at work. The thought of even complaining or lamenting at all during this time when I am relatively healthy and employed is almost obscene. There is so much bright side.
But on the perhaps also bright but right now it looks dark side, I also had a revelation. It was spurred by the fact that, while surviving the layoff, I was also removed from a leadership position at work. I was made an “individual contributor”. When I asked why, the response was terse and to the point. As a leader I have difficulty bringing things to completion.
So, my career is over. I am starting a new career at the same company as an individual contributor. I’ve always been a good individual contributor so there is reason for hope. I love doing the technical, individual work. I will not miss the management side of things. I’ll be keeping my head down, trying to add value, and trying to put myself in a position to survive the next round of layoffs. But the old career is over, and I was unsuccessful.
Now, for the revelation. I think this is from God. I believe God has been shouting this at me for several decades now.
I am not a leader.
I am a teacher. I am even a shepherd. But I am not a leader. I am never going to lead anyone to success. I am never going to “grow a ministry”. I am never going to be highly respect-able.
I am not a leader.
So, what now? A few things I hope to start doing.
- Quit bellyaching
- Be a teacher (albeit, I can’t really even do that right now in the pandemic, but those days will come again).
- Be a shepherd if ever given the opportunity to do that again.
- Quit fretting about respect. I am deeply loved. That should be enough. There has always been that elusive desire to be loved *and* respected. That desire needs to die. Everything isn’t about me.
- Be a very good follower, be a very good contributor, and hopefully (God willing) I’ll get a chance to show I can do those things for an extended period of time.
- If I can’t, and I don’t survive the next round of layoffs, or I lose my job for another reason, God is still there. God loves me. He knows my family needs provision. Keep the faith.
- Side note: regarding seminary – I have been on a break for the past few 8 week modules. I need to determine when to start up again. But I also need to determine *why* to start up again. I don’t think I will ever be a pastor, and I believe that I probably shouldn’t be a pastor (since pastors are leaders and I’m not a leader). Need to begin earnestly praying through this.
- Learn what it means to serve.
I may start posting more here again. Just writing this out helped. Today is a new day. Very thankful to still be employed.